This is just my public journal. I’ve decided to keep it in my wiki instead of a category on my blog.

2022-08-29

I’m back from my short trip to the mountains. I started writing a blog post about my time there (to share some pictures and thoughts), but I’m not sure when I’ll actually muster up the energy to edit/rewrite/publish that thing.
I’ve been feeling exhausted since I got back.
Even though this wasn’t a vacation (I was still working remotely the whole week other than Wednesday), I feel like it created enough “room” in my head for me to fully realize how exhausted I am after 6 months of work + war + stress.
Do you ever get that? Where you’re trodding along fine and grinding your teath, but you’re getting through the days more or less okay, and THEN you get a chance to rest, and when that rest period is over the reality of your day-to-day life hits you like a brick wall?
I feel like that’s what’s happened to me.
I feel like that brick wall hit me when I got back home on Saturday.
I’ve had two days in a row with a full 8-hour sleep at night and naps during the day, and yet I still feel like a bag of shit this Monday morning.
And it’s just the start of the week.
This can go one of two ways:

  • I’ll get back into “grinding” mode quickly and feel “better” by tomorrow
  • It’ll only get worse from here and result in me having to go get some med prescriptions…
    I guess we’ll find out soon.

Usually I make the gratefulness lists at the end of the day, but for the sake of starting off the day in a positive way I’m goingt to do them now (plus, I’ve missed a week!):

  1. I survived through the Independence Day Pressure
  2. I saw some nature, touched some grass, slept well without hearing air raid sirens for a couple of days.
  3. Grateful to the US for giving $3B in military aid as a gift to Ukraine for our birthday :D
  4. Grateful that my brain is still capable of coming up with creative “art project” ideas despite… everything…
  5. Grateful for my cat :) He’s cute. I love him.

2022-08-21

Became a year older.
Heading into the mountains today because I’m #ReallyAnxious about being in Kyiv on August 24th (Ukrainian independence day).
There have been qutie a few nuclear-war-related news bursts over the past couple of weeks, and although they don’t come in with the same intensity as the pre-war news in February, it’s still more than enough to make me hella anxious and in a “better safe than sorry” mode.
Taking my cat with me, obviously, because I’m a responsible pet owner.
If all works out, I might have some photos of the Karpathians to post on here when I get back.

Oh yeah, and I guess here are some things I’m grateful for:

  1. Survived another year
  2. Really getting those KMs in on my bike (currently @ 55km1)
  3. Passed my trial period at work. Officially fully employed!
  4. Shoutout to people who make both Apple Music and Spotify playlists when they share music
  5. Got new prescription lenses put into my favorite frames.

2022-08-14

The exhaustion with the war has caught up with me. Spent a good 21/48 hours asleep this weekend (with breaks during air raid sirens, of-fucking-course) and going into a new work week I’m not 100% sure how to get throught it.
But I will, because the human capacity to get used to absolute bullshit schedules and challenges is limitless.
That’s a huge blessing (if you’re a crazy optimist) or a miserable curse (if you’re me), but it is what it is.

  1. I’ve made it through another week
  2. I have a trip to the mountains planned
  3. I got some really nice towels this weekend

2022-08-10

  1. Nice little bike ride
  2. Picked up a delivery of localy grown produce
  3. Found the energy to do a chore I’ve been putting off for weeks
  4. The news from Crimea were a real big pick-me-up
  5. Really loving that new character in Apex Legends

2022-08-09

Late last night we booked a hotel in the mountains to be out of the capital during the Ukrainian Independence Day. This kind of planning around “what the russians might do” feels familiar in a bad way. It feels like the plans we made to go to Lviv on February 20th, four days before the full-scale invasion started.
A part of me wants to think of it as a voluntary “rest period” outside of the city. Remote work that’s more remote than usual. Just a change of scenery so that I can come back ready to continue to work, bring money into the economy, have the energy to live through days full of air raid sirens and visits to the bombshelter.
But another, more “reasonable” part of me understands that this is less about “rest” and more about just… safety.
And so, today (this morning) the hotel called and said that we can’t stay there with our cat (even though we called twice before booking to ask if we can (and they said yes)). That threw the whole thing off and made me unreasonably anxious for the rest of the day.
It was that nebulous anxiety that’s so vague I can’t “reason” my way out of it. All of a sudden any kind of planning beyond a few hours into the future felt impossible, and re-booking a different hotel felt like an impossible task.

  1. I’m grateful that my girlfriend handled it.
  2. New season of Apex Legends rolled out, and the new character really fits my play style
  3. Home made pizza still the best kind of pizza
  4. Grateful that all the hospitals/mass vaccinations centres are working
  5. Grateful about the news that a russian munition storage unit in Crimea no longer exists. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ who knows why, but the news is great.

2022-08-07

I spent practically all day playing Apex Legends and eating junk food. Definitely not the best way to spend a day, but given the alternative of “being fully engulfed by anxiety over the war” it seemed like an okay choice.
Ended the day with some time in the basement (because of air raid sirens) followed by a bubble bath during which I read some Mona Lisa Overdrive.
I’m experiencing the Sunday Scaries. I was absolutely drained on Thursday and Friday last week. Looking back, I should have taken a mental health day.
I didn’t, and that resulted in me being exhausted for most of the weekend which means I didn’t get enough rest which means I’ll probably find myself struggling with work for the rest of the week. :(

  1. Grateful that deliveries still work. Can’t imagine finding the energy to cook today.
  2. Bubble bath.
  3. Had some really good games of Apex with my friend
  4. It was raining today, and I got to keep the window open instead of having the AC on

2022-08-06

Got a bunch of chores done today mostly (only) because I got to go around on my bike instead of walking. Bike > Basically any other mode of transport (when talking about distances <10km).

2022-08-03

I’m too tired to be grateful, but I’m guessing that’s exactly the best time to “push through” and find something to be grateful for:

  1. Had a really good lunch/dinner of rice+tofu+salad
  2. Found the energy to be assertive in the many work calls throughout the day
  3. Grateful for the “Insert Credit” podcast. It’s so good.
  4. Really glad that there’s a shop in my building, because the snacks I was able to get in 5 minutes were clutch after a long work day
  5. Grateful to all the indie software developers making cool apps for musicians

2022-08-02

I went to the office today. Honestly, after 2 full years of remote work, I’m 98% convinced that 99% of the time people whose work can be broadly classified as “knowledge work” don’t need to be in one location to work effectively.

  1. Grateful for the opportunity to work remotely
  2. Grateful to all the soldiers protecting my ability to continue doing my work in relative safety
  3. Grateful to Estonia for their stance against russia
  4. Grateful to all the other countries supporting Ukraine in meaningful ways
  5. Grateful that WWIII didn’t start today (it might still start tomorrow, but I’m just grateful that it didn’t start today)

2022-08-01

It’s my birthday month. Feeling absolutely no joy about that though.
Today’s list of 5 things I’m grateful for:

  1. Figured out a good way to quickly make track demos in Ableton Live
  2. Was able to have a few “focused” sessions of work today (unusual)
  3. Had some borcht (#Ukraine!)
  4. And some Chicken Kyiv
  5. Bonding time with my girlfriend over how much we hate Dean (from Gilmore Girls)

2022-07-31

Gotta be honest, feeling a bit of the Sunday Scaries today. Tomorrow is the first day of the last month of my trial period at the new job. I feel like I’m on track to pass it with flying colors, but it’s time for all the “checkins” and that stresses me out.
But other than that, today was… as chill as a day in a war torn country can be.

  1. Went on a bike ride. Did a big loop
  2. Had home made pizza for breakfast
  3. The coke I had after the bike ride really hit the spot
  4. Weather was nice
  5. But I’m grateful to have air conditioning at home.

2022-07-30

Yesterday was a terrible day. I couldn’t muster the… ~anything~ to write about dumb shit I’m grateful for. I was mostly grateful for being alive and not being fucking russian.

Today was better.

  1. Got my cat a passport and a vaccine
  2. Bought a new bike
  3. Bought my girlfriend a new bike (we both have Fairdale Lookfars)
  4. Had a good vegetarian sandwich
  5. Had an equally good (but less satisfying) pizza after our first bike ride on the new bikes.

thanks for tuning in. I hope I can get some rest todayand there won’t be air raid alarms in the middle of the night.

2022-07-28

  1. Survived this day that felt like it was mostly air raid alerts
  2. Had some really good peaches
  3. Felt like I nailed my part of making a presentation at work
  4. Made a successful pull request (a first for me)
  5. Managed to catch up on the sleep I missed (see item 1)

2022-07-27

  1. Went on a short bike ride today to take my cat to the vet. Endorphins (or whatever) feel nice
  2. Had an esspresso tonic from the coffeeshop in my building
  3. Pizza for dinner
  4. Good game of Apex Legends
  5. “Deadline mode” kicked in at a good time and I finished a work task on time

Genearlly, all these things are very small. I’m not entirely sure I’ll be able to keep up with “5 things I’m grateful for” every day, but so far - so good.

2022-07-26

You know what? I am going to turn this into a public gratitude journal (for a while).

  1. Finally got a new tire pump for my bike
  2. Had a particularly good kebab for lunch
  3. Having a home-made pizza for dinner
  4. Got some positive feedback at work about my work
  5. My cat’s cute

2022-07-25

Watched this video and now I’m thinking of maybe turning this HTML journal into a public gratitude journal. Surely, if being grateful is good for mental health, then spreading some cheer and gratefullness around is also good. Or is it to “show-off"y? Then again, what could be show-offy when I’m living in a country where there’s a fucking war going on, right?

Anyway, the video:

2022-07-24

Feeling jetlagged today. The 8AM and following 10AM air raid sirens were exhausting. Whatever enrgy I had left was spent doing hosehold chores (vacuuming, mopping, taking out the trash, all that good stuff). Mix in the Sunday scaries and the fact that I can’t get myself to go to the bike store to get a tire pump for the fourth consequitve week and you’ve got yourself a pretty sad toni. I did go to the post office to pick up a little zine about (un)employment of women in Ukraine. It’s a pretty sobering take on sexism in the workplace in Ukraine. It’s also one of the first Ukrainian “political” zines that I’ve bought/read.

2022-07-23

I’m thinking of moving this wiki (and my whole website) from WordPress + Static HTML to something like Hugo (or Hugo specifically).

I spent most of the day today (whatever time wasn’t spent in the basement of my building or taking my cat to the vet to get chipped) messing around with getting Hugo to work and figuring out what the workflow would be if I were to work with Hugo for this website.

I’m going to be typing the word “Hugo” a lot in the near future, I think.

2022-07-22

Well, I made it through another work-week.

The good thing about this week is that there were very few air raid sirens.

The bad thing about that is that I’m now anxious about being “out of practice” of going down to my basement quickly.

But other than that it’s been a challenging but good week.

I found myself in my old procrastination habbit throughout most of the week (which was exacerbated by back-to-back meetings multiple days in a row), but in the end “deadline mode” got activated and I managed to get the key work-related tasks done in time.

The tradeoff is that my home is a mess right now because I haven’t had a spare moment to tidy throughout the week. This meens at least part of my weekend plans is predetermined.

2022-07-19

Today’s big “obsession” that I can’t get out of my head is how to structure this wiki (and the flow of updating/adding to this wiki) conveniently.

The cruz of the issue is that before I started this wiki, most of my notes were kept in Obsidian. Classic zettelkasten method (nothing fancy), but it worked out great for me. I had all my notes in one place, it was easily searchable, there were a lot of cross-links between related thoughts, and generally everything was great. Now that I have this thing I sometimes find myself writing directly to the wiki (instead of adding it to the Zettelkasten first).

This creates a situation where not all my notes and thoughts are in one place, which can actually become kind of a problem (eventually).

However, I have found that if I add some thoughts/a note to Obsidian, I’m less likely to return to it and make it into something publishable (even in a rough wiki format). That defeats the purpose of having a wiki.

So that’s what I’ve been thinking about today — how do I find a way to both keep my knowledge in a private Zettelkasten while also consistently sharing things I’ve learned with people who (for some reason) check in on what’s going on in this wiki?

Any feedback is welcome! You can find my contact details in my about page.

I started a “Communities” page on my wiki (although a better name would have been “collectives”). Through some round about way (that I might describe one day), I came accross Situationists International. I like these dudes’ vibes Although I’m not a fan that any leftist movement seems to default to communism and Bolshivism as the antithesis to capitalism. I’m sure that that may be the case, but I also think that it’s not so much a line with capitalism on one end and communism on the other as it is a plane (if not a 3D shape (if not a 4D object of some sort)). My point is — if you default to capitalism perhaps a little more research on the (many) pitfals and shortcommings of communist regimes (!!!) might be good., I like that they define human existance within capitalism as “spectacle”, I like that because of that it was a movement that was centred around action and not a certain aesthetic.

I also like that if you take all the pompousness and pretentiousness out of thier whole philosophy and their ideas you kinda end up with… punk?

So yeah. All that is great, but I think the real “star of the show” of this day today is acting on the lessons I read about in Refuse to Choose.

That whole book is meant for people who can’t seem to pick one thing to focus on. The lesson I took from it is that I can use a “Learn, Try, Teach, Leave” approach for all things I’m interested in. So, right now I’m learning about this collective, and at some point I might make some art inspired by them, do that whole “Derive thing, make a pretentious zine about it. Then I’ll probably end up writing a blog post about it. Then I’ll abandon the whole idea and find some other thing to get obsessed with.

This whole thing of being obsessed with one thing then another — it’s kinda great, but it also kida sucks.

Any time I’m in between “things” I get depressed (or maybe I enter an “in-between” state any time I’m depressed).

After a few weeks of overthinking this whole wiki thing I found my interest in it slowing down, my attention drifting to the habitual comforts of spending too much time on YouTube and Twitter…

And then I was like, “Why don’t I look into those Situationist International people I’ve been meaning to look into for a few months now?” I started a new Zettelkasten note to write about them and started surfing the web.

Along the way I discovered that you can borrow old books from the Internet Archive for free. I found a documentary about the SI collective on YouTube + I found a new channel that talks about philosophy (which is nice now that Philosophytube doesn’t make videos as frequently as she used to).

So yeah, that totally gave me that “spark” I felt like I was missing, and now I have an idea/thing/collective to “dig into” when I’m bored but also don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life away binge-watching YouTube videos that don’t contribute to the quality of my life in any meaningful way.

2022-07-18

I was going to go for a bike ride right after work, but as soon as the final meeting of the day wrapped up and I got dressed - air raid sirens! So I spent 45 minutes in my building’s basement and that killed whatever desire to “live life” I had left in me.

Went to the supermarket instead and got a baguette, some camambert, and some sausage. Had that for dinner and it “took me back” to the good times I had in Paris having similar little snack-meals on Champs de Mars with my friends from university. All that was missing was some wine, but I’m really not into drinking while the war’s going on Somehow beer is fine though? Every once in a while? IDK, it doesn’t make sense to me either..

At some point this week I really want to go out for a bike ride and if I live long enough to see the weekend I think I’d like to go skateboarding as well.

I saw this video and it really “hit the spot” for me, reminding me of all the good times I used to have skating as a teen and going to hang out with myf friends

So, while I know I’m not going to be Abel to experience anything similar for a while I think I could at least, like, make the “skating” part of it happen, if not the late-night random encounters with fun drunk people.

so, that’s where I’m at on this particular Monday.

russia cut off Germany’s gas supply. I feel bad for some of ze Germans, but… like, I wonder if they can hear the whole world yell “WE TOLD YOU SO”.

2022-07-14

I had a day that was jam packed with calls and meetings today. Nearly 4.5 hours total of being on Zoom calls. Even though these calls were useful and had a purpose and I generally can’t complain that much (there were no “calls that could have been an email”), that’s still too many back-to-back calls for any sane human being.

I feel frazzled and drained.

2022-07-12

My brain is “at capacity”.

I’m not getting enough sleep + I’m juggling a lot of responsibilities during the day (badly) + my brain is playing the same Open Mike Eagle song on a loop anytime it’s not in a haze of thinking about the Figma user interface or the git setup that I’m working with for this wiki.

Last time this happened I needed a vacation to get back to “normal”.

Last time I had a vacation it wasn’t so much a vacation as a fortnight-long break between when I quit my previous job and started my new job. I think another vacation is in order. I don’t know how I feel about the concept of a vacation when there’s a war going on, but it’s either that or guaranteed burnout, and who needs burnout?

2022-07-11

I’m on DOOM Emacs on my work computer and on vanilla Emacs on my personal computer. I use both to work on my blog and this wiki, and I guess it’s now a “showdown” to see which version of emacs prevails and becomes the main thing I use from now on.

I had a problem with emacs because constantly reaching for the C- and M- keys has cause me to have RSI. I’ve made it 28 years without experiencing any RSI-like symptoms even though I’m constantly doing something on a computer. But let me play around with Emacs for a 2-3 months and all of a sudden I can barely move my right wrist without experiencing pain.

So yeah, I’m hoping that the DOOM keyboard shortcuts are going to work out better for me. I’m not sure there’s a DOOM equivalent for every command that I use, but I think there’s always some setting-tweaking that can be done to help me with my RSI.

I’ve made my life difficult by not reading git documentation before using git. So now I have to suffer and untangle the mess I’ve made.

My biggest mistake was organizing my folder structure in a way where I accidentally had a git repository inside another git repo, and that… complicates things.


  1. It doesn’t help that my current range of biking is limited to “only places that I can get back to within 10 minutes so that I can save my cat during a potential air raid”. ↩︎