On Writing or “First!”

My experience with writing outside of school is very limited. Come to think of it, my experience of writing in school ends with a 10-page research paper I wrote in Paris about the catastrophic consequences of decreasing bee populations around the world, and that was 3 years ago. In those days I would need to write numerous essays and research papers, and would also, occasionally, start a blog here-and-there, out of boredom, looking for any source of procrastination activities. Eventually the idea of becoming a famous Internet Blogger Persona With Millions of Blog Visits cemented itself in my head and that became somewhat of a goal. The result was crippling writer’s block (or whatever) and over 12 blogs I started and abandoned one after the other.
One of the prominent causes for the aforementioned writer’s block (or whatever) was that somewhere along the way people told me I’m good at writing. I don’t know what sort educational debacle resulted in their failure to see my sub-par writing for what it really was, but at the time I was quite chuffed. I’d dabble in pretentious self-exploration and the use of irrelevant metaphors to explain the unbearable lightness of being. Then I started thinking “I must write better!” and set myself some pretty unreachable quality standards.ё

Also I’m lazy.

Then I came back to Ukraine and I may or may not have been depressed. No way to find out now, but looking back, there were definitely many symptoms. And then I decided that I need to get back to my goal of becoming a famous Internet Blogger Persona With Millions of Blog Visits. Naturally, my way of going about it wasn’t to start writing, writing well, and writing often. That would make far too much sense.
What I did instead was spend a month choosing the most ridiculous usernames for my blog and the accompanying twitter account. Then I wrote a couple of posts now and again. Then I realized that my writing is shit, my blog is shit, and most importantly the username is shit. It’s all because of the username. All I needed was a different username, and then everything would work out and I’d be rich and famous.
So I repeated the same process about 6 times and ended up not writing or filming vlogs for years.
What I failed to realize then is that if I write, I must write for one reason and one reason alone: because I must. I must do it for school, I must do it for work, I must do it because I have something to say, or I must do it just because I want to. Whatever I do just to become a famous Internet Blogger Persona With Millions of Blog Visits is pointless.
So I’m going about it all over again.
And FFS, this time it will work.
Fuck writer’s block (or whatever).